I wrote a story once of what it was like for me when I was born. I was the first of a new generation in my family. It was hard for my mom as my biological father was not the man she was currently married to. To my knowledge, I have never met that man nor do I even know his name. I wonder at times what I have taken from him in my genes. Was he as smart as I am or smarter? Did he have the same hair colour? Did his eyes change colour depending on the light reflected in them? Could he curl his tongue or crook his fingers? There a lot of questions that have gone un-answered about the male half of my parentage. This normally has not posed itself as much of a problem, I have never ever felt abandoned nor did I ever feel the sting of love lost. If I bumped into him tomorrow and he announced grandly . . .
Bill, your mom never told you about your father, did she?
She told me enough, She told me that you killed him!
No Bill, I am your father
I would probably look at him and simply say Hi. That is it. Well Maybe not “it”; I would shake his hand and asked him if he now felt better for finding me? It would be like one of you, reading my blog and starting to follow it. It would give me that momentary feeling that someone liked my writing well enough to continue to read what I put out. I would feel warm and fuzzy for a whole of 5 seconds. I would then start my analysis. I would use years of people watching and all of my psychological training and even my 20 years of customer service training to eek out his contributions to me and my genetic makeup. Past that I would have no feelings for the man. none. zip, zero, nada. I mistype myself. I would be curious. Curious enough to allow him a conversation. The conversation would not last very long if he did not immediately give some explanation that explained why it took him 36 years to grow a pair and look for me. Or baring the fact he knew even less than I did and had no idea I even existed then why is he standing there now and what does he want from me?
See no feelings for him at all 🙂
So my daddy issues aside I think it is funny that these moments of thought, about him and his contributions to my genetic make up, crop up every decade or so. I think it has happened more since my Mom passed though as I am now without any parental figure save my in-laws. My Grandparents have now both passed and my Mom also so I guess, naturally, I would stray to that open variable in my life. I guess the real issue here is whether the Anikan and I have more in common than I thought . . . Wow now there is a future blog post. . . The Time I realized I was Darth Vader . . . LOL. Well he was born out of a convergence in the force and maybe I was too (my mom advised me I wasn’t though ;)) I guess my thoughts today are just tha,t a random musing on what drives us day-to-day. In the end I will do as I have always done and take it one step at a time. I will try to strive to honour the gifts that my Mom and grandparents bestowed upon me and I will embrace my time here with all of you as the fondest and dearest of moments.
So until next time we meet . . .